Grasping

I can't even begin to tell you about the cyclical nature of trying to conceive.  Some days you are grasping, almost clawing at control of the situation.  Like the other day, we hadn't tried on day 15 (as per our every other day schedule) and it was day 16.  We were both too tired to try, so we decided not to.  I almost couldn't go to sleep at first because I just knew that if we didn't get pregnant this morning it would be because we didn't try on day 15!  But then I realized that if God wanted us to get pregnant this month, we would get pregnant whether we had sex on day 15 or not.

Then there are other days when I don't even thinking about it.  I wouldn't go so far as to say that I go a whole day without thinking about it, but I don't obsess--check my period calendar--etc. some days.  I'm either just busy or thinking about other things.

Then other days I'm just a little back and forth.  Not grasping, not completely oblivious.  Just kind of there.  Thinking about it, not necessarily worried, just thinking.  Hubby and I just found out that ANOTHER one of our friends is pregnant.  That makes about 7 in our close friends circle.  It's not that we aren't happy!  It's just that, as my hubby put it, we want it to be our turn. 

Today in my "Jesus Calling" devotional, I read this:

"To receive My Peace, you must change your grasping, controlling stance to one of openness and trust.  The only thing you can grasp without damaging your soul is My hand."

God is always on time.  In this day, with this quote, and certaintly He will be with this baby.

I've begun thinking about what it will be like after we actually have the baby.  For the longest time, I've just been obsessed with getting pregnant, being pregnant.  But now I'm more excited about being a parent, not just being pregnant.  Although I am excited about that, but I'm shifting my focus to the rest of our life and what will change...not just the first 9 months.

It's a day to day battle.  Things are going well.  We are praying for patience, praying to trust in God's timing.  We are in this together, and I wouldn't change that for the whole world.