Do you remember when you were single and people used to say, "It will happen when you least expect it," talking about finding love? So you'd try and try to stop expecting to meet Mr. Right every time you turned around, all the while actually still having that expectation by trying NOT to expect it.
I'm feeling kind of that way right now. I think that I expect God to give me a baby as soon as I completely turn over this season of my life to Him. That as soon as I fully trust and believe, that POOF-- I'll have a baby in my belly. And while it may happen, I have to realize that is just may not. That I may get to that point of trust and faith and belief and still not be blessed with a child just yet.
I have to get to the point where I am okay with whatever God wants, not just when it's what I want. I need to keep going towards the believing and trusting, but stop expecting things to work out exactly how I want them to as soon as I get to a "better place" of acceptance and peace. I am not guaranteed to have things easily. I'm just guaranteed that God will be with me the whole way.
Lord, help me not to expect You to grant my every wish. Teach me how to pray during this time so that I can honor You. My desire is to have a child, but Lord, I want what is best for me, and only You know that. Allow me to submit to Your plans.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
A Lesson From Hannah
I’ve come to a realization. I’m not sure if I truly believe that God is going to bless me with a baby. It’s a faith issue. I know He COULD, but I don’t fully believe He WILL.
Let me back up…
Last night I noticed a little light pink spotting. Now I know this could be implantation bleeding, but I hate to get my hopes up. I am supposed to start on Thursday. I just have this feeling that I am not going to be pregnant this month. I got home and prayed “God, please give me a baby this month.” I prayed this all the while knowing I didn’t think I was actually pregnant. I know God could make me pregnant if it is His will, but I believe down in my heart that I’m pregnant.
So I started thinking, do I still pray to be pregnant even if I believe I’m not? This scripture came to my mind, so I prayed it—
“I do believe; help my unbelief.”
-Mark 9:24b-
Let me back up a little more…
About 3 1/2 years ago I had an abnormal pap. I kept getting abnormal paps for about 1 year. Eventually I was referred to a gynecological oncologist who started following me. I read the story of Hannah in 1 Samuel during this time. Hannah prayed for a baby, believed God was going to give her one, and so she lived as if God had already blessed her. God did bless her with a child. So I applied that story to my situation; I prayed for God to heal me, I believed wholeheartedly that he would, and I lived as if he already had. To no surprise, when I went back for my repeat pap it came back NORMAL!
““What do you want me to do for you?” Jesus asked him.
The blind man said, “Rabbi, I want to see.”
“Go,” said Jesus, “your faith has healed you.” Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road.”
-Mark 10:50-52-
So now I am trying to apply this same principle to getting pregnant. Now, I don’t think that just because I pray and believe what I pray is going to mean God is going to automatically bless me with a child. Rather I’m trying to pray that His thoughts become my thoughts, His desires become mine.
“Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.”
-Psalm 37:4-
Delighting myself in God means submitting myself to His will, not mine.
Because of all this, I’ve looking into the following verses again:
“10 In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the LORD, weeping bitterly. 11 And she made a vow, saying, “LORD Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.”
12 As she kept on praying to the LORD, Eli observed her mouth. 13 Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk 14 and said to her, “How long are you going to stay drunk? Put away your wine.”
15 “Not so, my lord,” Hannah replied, “I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the LORD. 16 Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.”
17 Eli answered, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.”
18 She said, “May your servant find favor in your eyes.” Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast.
19 Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the LORD and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah made love to his wife Hannah, and the LORD remembered her. 20 So in the course of time Hannah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel,[b] saying, “Because I asked the LORD for him.” “
-1 Samuel 1:10-20-
Here is what I have found through biblegateway.com commentaries and through my own thoughts. The commentary is in red and my thoughts are in black.
Hannah was desperate when she prayed. But she did not pray in a selfish way. She wanted a son so that she could give him to God.
I feel like maybe I’m being selfish when I pray for a baby. Desperation and selfishness are two different things. I need to examine “Why do I want a baby?” Is it for me, or is it to honor and bless God?
Hannah prayed in a humble way as a servant to God. She felt that God had forgotten her. But she knew that God was all-powerful. God was the only person who could help her. And she knew that. Hannah did not pray aloud. But God heard her as she prayed in her spirit.
I don’t feel as if God has forgotten me, but sometimes during this time I see God as this big man looking down on me saying, “I’m not going to give you a child! Are you crazy? I know you want it, but you just can’t have it.” Now, I know that is not really how God is, but I’m just being totally honest here. Sometimes I get a little ticked that God isn’t making this easy. I need to stop thinking that way, and realize God is the one person who can give me life, and that includes life inside of me. God is the only one who can help me, He is my only hope. He’s on my side. I refuse to be afraid.
She trusted God to answer her prayer.
This goes back to that trust issue I’m having. And a faith issue, really. Do I trust or believe that God is really going to give me a baby? I have to trust/believe/have hope that God is going to give me this. And if He doesn’t? Then that will be His will.
Sometimes we have troubles for a long time. We think that God has forgotten us. But, in Isaiah 49:15, God says, ‘I will not forget you’. In the *Hebrew language the name Samuel sounds like the words ‘God has heard’. God heard and answered Hannah’s prayer. That is why she chose this name.
God does hear me. He will not forget me.
It is difficult, even impossible to understand all the reasons and dynamics behind the plan of God; but certainly, if God wanted this little boy to be dedicated to Him in this special way, He had to allow Hannah to come to this place of desperation.
Certainly, this was not the first time Hannah had prayed for a child. But perhaps this was the first time she prayed, truly giving the child to the Lord - not just in her heart, but in this vow as well.
Wow. Allowed Hannah to come to this place of desperation. That is pretty big. God may not giving me a child yet because He wants me to turn to Him, hide myself in Him, and lose myself in Him.
Instead of keeping the bitterness of soul and the anguish in her heart, she poured it out of her soul before the Lord.
Right now I am feeling bitterness. I need to pour it out to the Lord. The good, the bad, and the ugly.
Her face was no longer sad: The change in Hannah’s countenance shows that she received the promise with faith, something necessary if we will inherit the promises of God (Hebrews 6:12).
Hebrews 6:12 says, “Then you will not become spiritually dull and indifferent. Instead, you will follow the example of those who are going to inherit God’s promises because of their faith and endurance.”
Hannah shows how we can regain the joy of fellowship in the house of the Lord again: by pouring out our heart before the Lord and by, receiving His word with faith.
Faith.
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
-Hebrews 11:11-
Faith is not hope. Faith is the means by which we receive those things we hope for. Neither is faith sight. Faith is the evidence of things not seen. Faith can only operate in the realm of the invisible concerning those things we hope for and do not yet see. Faith cannot exist in the visible realm. When the things we hope for are manifested to our sight, then faith, the invisible "substance," having done its work, is supplanted by the visible substance, that is, the things we hope for. When the actuality comes into view, then the image (faith) vanishes. (Hobart E. Freeman, Faith, p. 4).
Biblical faith is an absolute requirement for answered prayer. The writer of Hebrews states, “But without faith it is impossible to please him: And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him." -Hebrews 11:6-
http://thegloryland.com/index.php?p=1_11_The-biblical-definition-of-faith
So what does this all mean? What am I to do? What am I to pray?
Lord, help me in my unbelief. Allow me to believe Your promises. You have promised to never leave me nor forsake me (Hebrews 13:5). You have promised that all things are possible with You (Matthew 19:26). You have promised blessing (John 10:10). You have promised to make the barren woman abide in the house as a joyful mother of children (Psalm 113:9). Create in me a new heart, Lord. Renew a faithful spirit within me. You have not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. Give me a sound mind. Show me Your love, and reveal to me Your power. Lord, I ask You for a child. Please bless me with a child. One that we can love, nurture, and raise to love You. I give You this time and this season. I love you.
Let me back up…
Last night I noticed a little light pink spotting. Now I know this could be implantation bleeding, but I hate to get my hopes up. I am supposed to start on Thursday. I just have this feeling that I am not going to be pregnant this month. I got home and prayed “God, please give me a baby this month.” I prayed this all the while knowing I didn’t think I was actually pregnant. I know God could make me pregnant if it is His will, but I believe down in my heart that I’m pregnant.
So I started thinking, do I still pray to be pregnant even if I believe I’m not? This scripture came to my mind, so I prayed it—
“I do believe; help my unbelief.”
-Mark 9:24b-
Let me back up a little more…
About 3 1/2 years ago I had an abnormal pap. I kept getting abnormal paps for about 1 year. Eventually I was referred to a gynecological oncologist who started following me. I read the story of Hannah in 1 Samuel during this time. Hannah prayed for a baby, believed God was going to give her one, and so she lived as if God had already blessed her. God did bless her with a child. So I applied that story to my situation; I prayed for God to heal me, I believed wholeheartedly that he would, and I lived as if he already had. To no surprise, when I went back for my repeat pap it came back NORMAL!
““What do you want me to do for you?” Jesus asked him.
The blind man said, “Rabbi, I want to see.”
“Go,” said Jesus, “your faith has healed you.” Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road.”
-Mark 10:50-52-
So now I am trying to apply this same principle to getting pregnant. Now, I don’t think that just because I pray and believe what I pray is going to mean God is going to automatically bless me with a child. Rather I’m trying to pray that His thoughts become my thoughts, His desires become mine.
“Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.”
-Psalm 37:4-
Delighting myself in God means submitting myself to His will, not mine.
Because of all this, I’ve looking into the following verses again:
“10 In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the LORD, weeping bitterly. 11 And she made a vow, saying, “LORD Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.”
12 As she kept on praying to the LORD, Eli observed her mouth. 13 Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk 14 and said to her, “How long are you going to stay drunk? Put away your wine.”
15 “Not so, my lord,” Hannah replied, “I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the LORD. 16 Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.”
17 Eli answered, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.”
18 She said, “May your servant find favor in your eyes.” Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast.
19 Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the LORD and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah made love to his wife Hannah, and the LORD remembered her. 20 So in the course of time Hannah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel,[b] saying, “Because I asked the LORD for him.” “
-1 Samuel 1:10-20-
Here is what I have found through biblegateway.com commentaries and through my own thoughts. The commentary is in red and my thoughts are in black.
Hannah was desperate when she prayed. But she did not pray in a selfish way. She wanted a son so that she could give him to God.
I feel like maybe I’m being selfish when I pray for a baby. Desperation and selfishness are two different things. I need to examine “Why do I want a baby?” Is it for me, or is it to honor and bless God?
Hannah prayed in a humble way as a servant to God. She felt that God had forgotten her. But she knew that God was all-powerful. God was the only person who could help her. And she knew that. Hannah did not pray aloud. But God heard her as she prayed in her spirit.
I don’t feel as if God has forgotten me, but sometimes during this time I see God as this big man looking down on me saying, “I’m not going to give you a child! Are you crazy? I know you want it, but you just can’t have it.” Now, I know that is not really how God is, but I’m just being totally honest here. Sometimes I get a little ticked that God isn’t making this easy. I need to stop thinking that way, and realize God is the one person who can give me life, and that includes life inside of me. God is the only one who can help me, He is my only hope. He’s on my side. I refuse to be afraid.
She trusted God to answer her prayer.
This goes back to that trust issue I’m having. And a faith issue, really. Do I trust or believe that God is really going to give me a baby? I have to trust/believe/have hope that God is going to give me this. And if He doesn’t? Then that will be His will.
Sometimes we have troubles for a long time. We think that God has forgotten us. But, in Isaiah 49:15, God says, ‘I will not forget you’. In the *Hebrew language the name Samuel sounds like the words ‘God has heard’. God heard and answered Hannah’s prayer. That is why she chose this name.
God does hear me. He will not forget me.
It is difficult, even impossible to understand all the reasons and dynamics behind the plan of God; but certainly, if God wanted this little boy to be dedicated to Him in this special way, He had to allow Hannah to come to this place of desperation.
Certainly, this was not the first time Hannah had prayed for a child. But perhaps this was the first time she prayed, truly giving the child to the Lord - not just in her heart, but in this vow as well.
Wow. Allowed Hannah to come to this place of desperation. That is pretty big. God may not giving me a child yet because He wants me to turn to Him, hide myself in Him, and lose myself in Him.
Instead of keeping the bitterness of soul and the anguish in her heart, she poured it out of her soul before the Lord.
Right now I am feeling bitterness. I need to pour it out to the Lord. The good, the bad, and the ugly.
Her face was no longer sad: The change in Hannah’s countenance shows that she received the promise with faith, something necessary if we will inherit the promises of God (Hebrews 6:12).
Hebrews 6:12 says, “Then you will not become spiritually dull and indifferent. Instead, you will follow the example of those who are going to inherit God’s promises because of their faith and endurance.”
Hannah shows how we can regain the joy of fellowship in the house of the Lord again: by pouring out our heart before the Lord and by, receiving His word with faith.
Faith.
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
-Hebrews 11:11-
Faith is not hope. Faith is the means by which we receive those things we hope for. Neither is faith sight. Faith is the evidence of things not seen. Faith can only operate in the realm of the invisible concerning those things we hope for and do not yet see. Faith cannot exist in the visible realm. When the things we hope for are manifested to our sight, then faith, the invisible "substance," having done its work, is supplanted by the visible substance, that is, the things we hope for. When the actuality comes into view, then the image (faith) vanishes. (Hobart E. Freeman, Faith, p. 4).
Biblical faith is an absolute requirement for answered prayer. The writer of Hebrews states, “But without faith it is impossible to please him: And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him." -Hebrews 11:6-
http://thegloryland.com/index.php?p=1_11_The-biblical-definition-of-faith
So what does this all mean? What am I to do? What am I to pray?
Lord, help me in my unbelief. Allow me to believe Your promises. You have promised to never leave me nor forsake me (Hebrews 13:5). You have promised that all things are possible with You (Matthew 19:26). You have promised blessing (John 10:10). You have promised to make the barren woman abide in the house as a joyful mother of children (Psalm 113:9). Create in me a new heart, Lord. Renew a faithful spirit within me. You have not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. Give me a sound mind. Show me Your love, and reveal to me Your power. Lord, I ask You for a child. Please bless me with a child. One that we can love, nurture, and raise to love You. I give You this time and this season. I love you.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
A Much Calmer Month
I feel good about this month. I'm not sure why, but I do. That doesn't mean we are going to be pregnant, it could just mean that I'm dealing with this stress a lot better. And I'm okay with either scenario. It's been really fun and relaxed, which I think makes all the difference. Instead of trying every other day, I just took ovulation tests until I ran out. I was going to go buy more and they were too expensive at Kroger, so I just said "Let's just do this the old fashioned way." I feel ovary pain when I ovulate and I have been feeling some pain for the past 2 days. We have just tried 4 days consecutively. I know doctors say to try every other day, but I'm not taking my chances. :)
This is such a fun time in our lives. I'm enjoying the time with my hubby dreaming of children, hoping for children, praying for children. God will bless us when the time is right. I just know it.
This is such a fun time in our lives. I'm enjoying the time with my hubby dreaming of children, hoping for children, praying for children. God will bless us when the time is right. I just know it.
Friday, September 2, 2011
The Truth About Ovulation Tests
I've been taking ovulations tests for 2 days now (or is it 3?), but either way I got a faint line today and I was all excited that I was ovulating. Little did I know that just because you get two lines on an ovulation test does not mean you are ovulating. The line has to be as dark or darker than the control line to be a true positive. Check out this link to learn more:
http://www.peeonastick.com/opkfaq.html
So tonights "trying" was a freebie. :) I know now to wait until the line is super dark to know that I'm truly ovulating. However, it said for my cycle length to start testing on day 11, and today is day 11. I'm right on track for testing.
I told myself I would stop looking at websites and being obsessed with baby making. However, I'm glad I looked at this website, but it is going to save me a lot of aimless "trying".
http://www.peeonastick.com/opkfaq.html
So tonights "trying" was a freebie. :) I know now to wait until the line is super dark to know that I'm truly ovulating. However, it said for my cycle length to start testing on day 11, and today is day 11. I'm right on track for testing.
I told myself I would stop looking at websites and being obsessed with baby making. However, I'm glad I looked at this website, but it is going to save me a lot of aimless "trying".
Thursday, September 1, 2011
A Much Needed Break
I've taken a much needed break from blogging about wanting a baby. I started with ovulation tests today, the first was negative. I figured it would be. I probably won't ovulate for another few days. I am really trying to just chill it out and not worry about the semantics of this trying. We will see how it works out. I have a peace about it, a peace that could only come from God.
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