I’ve come to a realization. I’m not sure if I truly believe that God is going to bless me with a baby. It’s a faith issue. I know He COULD, but I don’t fully believe He WILL.
Let me back up…
Last night I noticed a little light pink spotting. Now I know this could be implantation bleeding, but I hate to get my hopes up. I am supposed to start on Thursday. I just have this feeling that I am not going to be pregnant this month. I got home and prayed “God, please give me a baby this month.” I prayed this all the while knowing I didn’t think I was actually pregnant. I know God could make me pregnant if it is His will, but I believe down in my heart that I’m pregnant.
So I started thinking, do I still pray to be pregnant even if I believe I’m not? This scripture came to my mind, so I prayed it—
“I do believe; help my unbelief.”
-Mark 9:24b-
Let me back up a little more…
About 3 1/2 years ago I had an abnormal pap. I kept getting abnormal paps for about 1 year. Eventually I was referred to a gynecological oncologist who started following me. I read the story of Hannah in 1 Samuel during this time. Hannah prayed for a baby, believed God was going to give her one, and so she lived as if God had already blessed her. God did bless her with a child. So I applied that story to my situation; I prayed for God to heal me, I believed wholeheartedly that he would, and I lived as if he already had. To no surprise, when I went back for my repeat pap it came back NORMAL!
““What do you want me to do for you?” Jesus asked him.
The blind man said, “Rabbi, I want to see.”
“Go,” said Jesus, “your faith has healed you.” Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road.”
-Mark 10:50-52-
So now I am trying to apply this same principle to getting pregnant. Now, I don’t think that just because I pray and believe what I pray is going to mean God is going to automatically bless me with a child. Rather I’m trying to pray that His thoughts become my thoughts, His desires become mine.
“Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.”
-Psalm 37:4-
Delighting myself in God means submitting myself to His will, not mine.
Because of all this, I’ve looking into the following verses again:
“10 In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the LORD, weeping bitterly. 11 And she made a vow, saying, “LORD Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.”
12 As she kept on praying to the LORD, Eli observed her mouth. 13 Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk 14 and said to her, “How long are you going to stay drunk? Put away your wine.”
15 “Not so, my lord,” Hannah replied, “I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the LORD. 16 Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.”
17 Eli answered, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.”
18 She said, “May your servant find favor in your eyes.” Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast.
19 Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the LORD and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah made love to his wife Hannah, and the LORD remembered her. 20 So in the course of time Hannah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel,[b] saying, “Because I asked the LORD for him.” “
-1 Samuel 1:10-20-
Here is what I have found through biblegateway.com commentaries and through my own thoughts. The commentary is in red and my thoughts are in black.
Hannah was desperate when she prayed. But she did not pray in a selfish way. She wanted a son so that she could give him to God.
I feel like maybe I’m being selfish when I pray for a baby. Desperation and selfishness are two different things. I need to examine “Why do I want a baby?” Is it for me, or is it to honor and bless God?
Hannah prayed in a humble way as a servant to God. She felt that God had forgotten her. But she knew that God was all-powerful. God was the only person who could help her. And she knew that. Hannah did not pray aloud. But God heard her as she prayed in her spirit.
I don’t feel as if God has forgotten me, but sometimes during this time I see God as this big man looking down on me saying, “I’m not going to give you a child! Are you crazy? I know you want it, but you just can’t have it.” Now, I know that is not really how God is, but I’m just being totally honest here. Sometimes I get a little ticked that God isn’t making this easy. I need to stop thinking that way, and realize God is the one person who can give me life, and that includes life inside of me. God is the only one who can help me, He is my only hope. He’s on my side. I refuse to be afraid.
She trusted God to answer her prayer.
This goes back to that trust issue I’m having. And a faith issue, really. Do I trust or believe that God is really going to give me a baby? I have to trust/believe/have hope that God is going to give me this. And if He doesn’t? Then that will be His will.
Sometimes we have troubles for a long time. We think that God has forgotten us. But, in Isaiah 49:15, God says, ‘I will not forget you’. In the *Hebrew language the name Samuel sounds like the words ‘God has heard’. God heard and answered Hannah’s prayer. That is why she chose this name.
God does hear me. He will not forget me.
It is difficult, even impossible to understand all the reasons and dynamics behind the plan of God; but certainly, if God wanted this little boy to be dedicated to Him in this special way, He had to allow Hannah to come to this place of desperation.
Certainly, this was not the first time Hannah had prayed for a child. But perhaps this was the first time she prayed, truly giving the child to the Lord - not just in her heart, but in this vow as well.
Wow. Allowed Hannah to come to this place of desperation. That is pretty big. God may not giving me a child yet because He wants me to turn to Him, hide myself in Him, and lose myself in Him.
Instead of keeping the bitterness of soul and the anguish in her heart, she poured it out of her soul before the Lord.
Right now I am feeling bitterness. I need to pour it out to the Lord. The good, the bad, and the ugly.
Her face was no longer sad: The change in Hannah’s countenance shows that she received the promise with faith, something necessary if we will inherit the promises of God (Hebrews 6:12).
Hebrews 6:12 says, “Then you will not become spiritually dull and indifferent. Instead, you will follow the example of those who are going to inherit God’s promises because of their faith and endurance.”
Hannah shows how we can regain the joy of fellowship in the house of the Lord again: by pouring out our heart before the Lord and by, receiving His word with faith.
Faith.
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
-Hebrews 11:11-
Faith is not hope. Faith is the means by which we receive those things we hope for. Neither is faith sight. Faith is the evidence of things not seen. Faith can only operate in the realm of the invisible concerning those things we hope for and do not yet see. Faith cannot exist in the visible realm. When the things we hope for are manifested to our sight, then faith, the invisible "substance," having done its work, is supplanted by the visible substance, that is, the things we hope for. When the actuality comes into view, then the image (faith) vanishes. (Hobart E. Freeman, Faith, p. 4).
Biblical faith is an absolute requirement for answered prayer. The writer of Hebrews states, “But without faith it is impossible to please him: And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him." -Hebrews 11:6-
http://thegloryland.com/index.php?p=1_11_The-biblical-definition-of-faith
So what does this all mean? What am I to do? What am I to pray?
Lord, help me in my unbelief. Allow me to believe Your promises. You have promised to never leave me nor forsake me (Hebrews 13:5). You have promised that all things are possible with You (Matthew 19:26). You have promised blessing (John 10:10). You have promised to make the barren woman abide in the house as a joyful mother of children (Psalm 113:9). Create in me a new heart, Lord. Renew a faithful spirit within me. You have not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. Give me a sound mind. Show me Your love, and reveal to me Your power. Lord, I ask You for a child. Please bless me with a child. One that we can love, nurture, and raise to love You. I give You this time and this season. I love you.
BEAUTIFUL!
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